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History and Other Things

Written by Bob Hillback in his book Squirrels in and around History in 1985

How it all began, as they say:

400 billion years ago there was a universe called MaltedMilk (pronounced Flu-Gur-Vill) that was located in present day “somewhere north of Ireland.”  This particular universe was lazy so only had about 5 or so trillion stars and was the size of a French mullet.  Not only that, but there were only 2 lifeforms (hyper-intelligent squirrels and the ‘we own everything, even your muffins’ wombats) that felt really insecure about things, so attempted to control everything around them.  The wombats resided on planet Fork, and the squirrels on Ni.
The wombats found the squirrels one day when they were bored looking for something to dominate other than just those squirrels in the lower echelons of the socio-economic spectrum.  They determined that their creator (which they called “Glondo”) meant for them to find this race of hyper-intelligent squirrels and their land so that they could have it as their own.  In essence, they knew Glondo was giving it to them because a lot of prophets in their sacred books foretold of things.  They weren’t exactly sure what those things were, which is why they had their board members determine what those things were, so long as it was ultimately beneficial for those gallantly trying to make a richer world for themselves.  The “Glondo-Ites” as they were called, believed they had a very special duty to themselves, because they were the first true nihilist solipsistic spiritual thinkers and felt they deserved a break from all the relationship problems they were having with those around them that didn’t exist.  Life was hard.
Anyway, the squirrels in this universe basically just liked to chill out.
We are trying to obtain the necessary stamp of approval from our board of directors to share with the world the official squirrel ‘knowisms.’ Please be patient.

You may have heard it spoken of in hushed whispers, or perhaps the local conspiracy theorist at work talked to you fervently for 1 hour, but you weren’t paying much attention.  One morning maybe you felt something “off” with the world, like a feeling of impending doom.

You are not paranoid, or experiencing anything of a psychologically anomalous phenomenon; you just know that something is “brewing,” as ‘they’ say. The reason for this is the now proven Squirrel Conspiracy to Take Over the World in Bad Fashion While Eating Filberts and Studying the Book “Fascism for Beginners,” otherwise known simply as SCTTOTWIBFWEFASTBFFB. They have been conspiring for centuries now, and they are truly gaining formidable power that they wield daily in the lives of billions of people.



News Flash (ƒ) – The remaining biographies will be published when we’ve been given the proverbial “thumbs up” and supra-confidential information packet related to each 42 member. The information is stored in a secret satellite that no-one is supposed to know about, even those who launched it, orbiting the north-east side of Neptune.  It has been speculated that the satellite itself makes chirping sounds intermittently.  While not important or relevant, we thought it was interesting.

In order to obtain the information that is stored in the satellite, one of a possible three and sometimes four (Steven Spielberg sometimes fills in for number three), has to unlock the “Hyper Secret NE Neptune Satellite Transponder” dubbed “Marna” for short.  Marna is located in a secret vault 19 miles under the Caspian sea.  It is guarded by an unfortunate man by the name of Desmond who is believed to have lost his mind and thinks that he must push the button on his toaster every hour or something will likely blow up.

The trip became cumbersome, so they created a proprietary mobile app to access the transponder in order to retrieve the data from the satellite orbiting the northeast side of Neptune. Unfortunately, the unfortunate man by the name of Desmond got quite drunk one night and decided that his job was frivolous and started distributing the hyper secret mobile app along with the 149 passwords needed to get to the point where one could tell the transponder to start transponding.


You may review the following completely true and accurate informational article regarding squirrel origins, as well as the links to and interaction with human beings long ago and today.

Squirrel – Uncyclopedia


The current state of affairs:

The Squirrel Uprising is Nigh…..42 Squirrels are conspiring to take over the world.
It’s true, 42 squirrels do control many aspects of every living being’s life here on this planet.  They even control the aspects within the aspects (like trimming/not trimming nose hair, McDonalds or Wendys ((They like to mess with us in that regard, watching us squirm is a favorite past time on their FSN (((Fascist Squirrel Network))) station)), and other seemingly frivolous choices/activites).

We don’t have to accept this, and neither do the wombats (wombats have been under the oppressive rule of squirrels since 800 million BCE and don’t like it).  12 of the 42 are severely deranged squirrels, while the remaining 30 are simply mad and just wish they could have more peanut butter and planets to dominate.
Please note:  There may be seemingly harmless websites out there, but believe me, they are NOT to be trusted.  My cousin Juspin couldn’t speak or look at record players without screaming for 10 days after mistakenly landing on one of the many FSOSTFO (For Squirrels Only So Stay the Fostleberries Out) websites.
There are many websites that have been created by the more crafty IT squirrels to lead us astray, make us complacent, and to further perpetuate the shroud of confusion that billows above us all.

One such site is  This is a classic case of subconscious subterfuge. Notice that the profile is “Deranged Squirrel.” Then notice the part about quilting.  Then take note about the Bedroom Makeover.  Then look at the iron and the ironing board.  “How could 42 squirrels be running the world, especially with many of them deranged and so nice like this one?” you may be asking yourself.

Well I asked myself the same question and then forgot about it for 10 years because my brain was infiltrated with a strange desire to gather sheets of paper, or really, to be able to use a rectangular piece of plastic more often to purchase things I didn’t need or really even want.  I believe the 42 are to blame for this, and if this one of the last things I do before the last time I brush my teeth or before dementia sets in, then…..where was I?  Oh yes, Bon Jovi is the only living person at this moment that is not under the power of the squirrel.  That song about life being his or something really touched the general squirrel blue collar laborer population and incited a riot and demand for Bon Jovi to be spared the oppression, so long as he wore more straw hats with blueberries and waffles on them more often.