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News and ‘In the News’ Overview

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Let’s face the blatant facts:  Squirrels are in the media, and they are saturating it.  We’ve decided that it was time to provide the general public a keen look into the seemingly subtle influx of squirrels in news reports.

It is no random occurrence. It is not happening because squirrels tend to do strange things like try to climb trees while drunk, run across the street right when you approach with your automobile, stare at you intently while chewing a 4 day old McDonalds french fry, or as mentioned in an article about “Squirrel Appreciation Day,” attack stray dogs due to pine cone shortages.  No…the 42, while conspiring to rule the world, also conspire with media conglomerates on a worldwide scale to convey that all squirrels are harmless, cute, naive, and unaware that humans find them mildly interesting, especially when they do something that will make other humans laugh in a video.

The media will never report on what is actually going on, or what has already happened, and certainly not what will happen (they won’t report on what will happen because many simply don’t know the future.  Others, like CNN, and specifically, Anderson Cooper…will not let on that they know what the future holds.  Anderson Cooper is 894 years old, and doesn’t look a day past somewhere between 39 and 44). The news media will never report on actual real life occurrences like the following:

February 19, 1874 – Eduardo Saskatchewan was resting in his bungalow in a region on or near Australia, when he noticed a squirrel staring at him from his large bungalow sliding glass door. They then proceeded to stare each other down for 10 days. Eduardo was never quite the same after that, and for some reason believed that he was stuck inside a tupperware product sold by a Mary K representative.  He also thought that his bungalow had turned into a spaceship, so he spent much of his remaining days attempting to commandeer his ship out of the tupperware vortex.

October 7, 807 BC – Vinny Bacchiodicho, a metallurgist in Italy was crafting a life size centaur for his wife, Helga Mezdenia, when he found himself surrounded by a group of squirrels dressed smartly in what is now known as ‘Robin Hood’ attire. They proceeded to shoot arrows (known today as toothpicks) at Vinny, though obviously not with the intent of harming him.  All (there were roughly 50 of them), shot their arrows with purpose, cunning, and incredible accuracy.  When they were done, they had spelled out the words “metal one of us humano.”  Vinny took this to mean that instead of a centaur, he should create instead a squirrel metal sculpture….and he did.  The artifact is buried 47 miles beneath the earth’s crust in a place that can’t be pronounced in most languages.

January 21 is “Squirrel Appreciation Day.”  It is obvious, not to mention proven based on supra-confidential documents we’ve obtained from sources we don’t even know exist, that this ‘appreciation’ day was setup by the 42 themselves.  In the following article, it states that this day was proclaimed by Christy McKeown.

Squirrel Appreciation Day Article

It is important to note that Christy McKeown does not exist, at least not in the way that you and I exist, dear reader. Christy McKeown was simply made up by the 42’s marketing department, and they paid every single news source handsomely in order to keep the truth from escaping their reporter’s lips.

Be steadfast…keep your eyes open, and do not succumb to the influence of the media and the obvious 42 rhetoric.