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Deranged Squirrel Intern Alert Threat Raised to Chartreuse

Deranged Squirrel Intern Alert Threat Raised to Chartreuse

**This just in from Blapital Smill**

On the eve to the eve of Easter, we’ve received the shocking news from our ‘very reliable source’ that the Department of Deranged Squirrel Control has raised the security level threat to Chartreuse. This is a security level higher than the previous, which was Magenta.  No-one knew it was Magenta, because no-one told anyone it was, but that’s OK.  Here’s more from our ‘very reliable source,’ Jim Smaggles:

Us: “Jim, what’s it like out there?  I feel like I hear the very essence of pandemonium taking place right at your proverbial doorstep.”

Jim:  “I’m in the office right next to yours Bill.”

Us: “Right, that sounds downright terrifying.  Please send my condolences to the victims, because I really do care.  Really, I’m not just saying that because I’m on an international broadcast with perfectly coiffed hair.”

Jim: “Umm”

Us: “Jim, as you’re out there risking your life for the citizens of the human world, do you have any words of wisdom, or things that humanity can do together?  For instance, should we come up with a new team sport or something?”

Jim: “Uh, er, no.  Look, I’m in the office next to yours.  I can hear you through these walls.  Anyway, we’ve raised the level to Chartreuse because we’ve received word from top intelligence who received word from supra-intelligence that the interns are quote, ‘up to something.'”

Us:  “Jim, that sounds absolutely terrifying.  Our hearts go out to you.

Now onto local news:  A local man creates a flying banjo out of a deck of cards, a llama straddle, and engine parts…”

Once we’ve gained clearance to post the whole conversation live in 2019, we may or may not post it here. What we gather from Jim is that while you can still go to church and hunt Easter eggs, be aware that conniving deranged squirrels working as interns for the 42 have been tasked with causing mayhem during this time.  It’s a classic case of misdirection, where they use certain holidays to pull off heists when our eyes are turned to something else.

Historically, the interns have just been tasked with simple “Fight Club” type acts of mayhem, like making root beer flavored jelly beans taste like okra. This year, we can expect them to be cooking up something worse than okra flavored jelly beans (is there such a thing?) to annoy us. Sources tell us they are trying to change this coming Sunday to the coming Monday early, so that people are a day late for work.  We hope of course, that this does not happen.

The interns are made up mainly of college freshman and sophomores from Philadelphia, Costa Rica, and a small part of Fiji. Stand strong, and keep your eyes peeled as you peel your multicolored hard boiled eggs.

Bob Hillback, Senior Reporter for the JAOFS,

Before becoming the Senior Reporter for the JAOFS, Bob Hillback was the head custodian of the undisclosed location of the building from which the JAOFS work.

Below: Picture of what appears to be a Progressive Insurance agent interviewing Tom Cruise, or perhaps some other famous political leader.  Bob Hillback’s left (recently manicured) hand is holding a mic capturing everything Tom is saying.




  • Bob Hillback is still alive!

    • vbostwick

      he sure is…I always knew it in my heart, just like Aragorn and Gandalf knew Frodo was still alive at that party