subscribe: Posts | Comments

Final 3 Squirrels Found Posing as Trump’s Hair

0 comments
Final 3 Squirrels Found Posing as Trump’s Hair

You haven’t heard from us for a while because we’ve been tracking the final 3 squirrels who want to take over the world. Well, the search is over. All 42 are accounted for.

You know how some parasites control their host’s minds? Well, apparently that’s what these three squirrels have been doing with Donald Trump for a very very long time. Donald Trump does not have hair; he has squirrels…sociopath squirrels who want nothing more than to make life for humans as the dominant species to come to an end.

“We really couldn’t believe we missed it for so long” head JAOFF reporter Zaz McNichols said. “We were trying all sorts of things…George even tried to go undercover…wore a squirrel costume for 2 years and even created propaganda that basically echoed the 42’s. I guess his 200 lb frame didn’t really help. We even went to the Kakadu Wetlands with a guy named Mike Penceuldik and a case of Fosters looking for the final damn three. Mike kept going on and on about gay this and gay that causing the end of the world. It was super weird. Luckily a gay pigeon shit into his eyes and he had to go back. We kind of hoped that he would get malaria or something. The guy was a total a@@hole. Then there were the 4 months spent in Moscow. My lawyer said I couldn’t talk about the first 3 months, but in the 4rth we really started to pay attention to police officers outside of our cells. They kept blabbing about Putin and Trump.

But this is where the idea came to Jim Jonnekin’s mind. He scribbled out some cryptic message in blood that I couldn’t read, so I just asked him what it said as we were staying in the same cell.

‘I think I know where the final 3 are, and you’re not going to believe it.’

“At first I just thought that he had another bad bowl of Borscht or whatever it was and his mind was finally crumbling like a 3-year old cookie. Then we started analyzing. We even got one of Hilary’s staff aides to grab a piece of hair…well, fur, from his head while Trump was talking about how awesome his words were to one of his aids while holding onto her crotch and asking if his hands felt too small. Once we got the sample, we knew. Oh yeah, we knew.”

Apparently, the “final damn three” as our top investigators are calling them, developed a technique known as the Gowlden Shaur (pronounced ˈSHou(ə)r) to contort and weave their bodies together indefinitely. Once we knew it was them our investigative team back home got to work. The 42 squirrels are naturally telepathic, but they knew they needed something very robust to accomplish what they wanted. So they developed the Eyeminas Whole method, where they were able to use the naturally racist, misogynistic, paranoid, narcissistic, nihilistic, self-centered thoughts of the host and amplify them, so the host had no choice but to blurt them out, even in presidential debates. There was one caveat, though; the host’s brain had to be extremely underdeveloped, to the point where self-awareness was barely evident. In evolutionary terms, the Homo Habilis would probably have greater intellectual prowess than their ideal host.

Well, they found their perfect host. And today they are in control of the man who is going to be inaugurated as the 45th president of the Unites States of America.

The following image was created by a professional artist to express distaste for Donald Trump. There have been others who have made references to Trump’s hair being like squirrel hair or worse. To us, this showed that many people around the world were intuiting what we’ve only recently discovered definitively.

 

The squirrels grew up in a small village somewhere in the vicinity of a treehouse next to the Westboro Baptist Church and have changed their names to Ted Nuggets, Rushing Limbahn, and Marzin Shkrelin.

“We’ve spent years searching for these little d!cks, and we found em'” stated our chief correspondent Erica Sports. “The question is,” she continued, “what the hell do we do now?


It has begun….

0 comments

The squirrels are growing more bold by the minute, the second, the millisecond:

Fly and Slide Squirrel


Sightings

0 comments

We’ve been given the proverbial thumbs-up by our direct supervisor who is not listed in any database anywhere, making his existence purposefully questionable, to provide direct reports of squirrel sightings. These sightings are usually seen by ordinary civilians like yourselves, and covered by news stations across the world. We encourage you to participate in this by relating your story about witnessing potential fascist-like behavior of squirrels in your region of the planet, and/or cosmos.

Please, for the benefit of humans, dogs, cats, and gentle Grizzly Bears, report your sightings here. We will then send the report through the proper amount of red tape and not-at-all frivolous bureaucratic sludge for consideration of inclusion in our Worldwide Squirrel Sightings section.


Flying Squirrels Invade New Jersey

0 comments

Ok, maybe not the entire state of New Jersey yet, though we are seeing more and more instances of blatant attacks by the deranged squirrel population.

In an obvious attempt to infiltrate our health care system, deranged flying squirrels have invaded an Emergency Room in a hospital in New Jersey.

Deranged Flying Squirrels Attempt to Infiltrate the Health Care System

 


Display of Power at Columbia University

0 comments

Taken at the one of the oldest educational institutions in the country, this squirrel was caught in the act at Columbia University.  What was the squirrel doing?  She was eating an enormous slice of pizza, and not just because she was hungry.  Oh no, she did this to show the forthcoming dominance of the squirrel species.  If put into one of our languages, such as English, what she was saying translates to: “We are the new pizza eaters, the powerful, the chosen.  We will have our filberts and eat them too.” (Translation courtesy of Squirrel Behaviorist Bob Hillback).

Squirrel Eating Enormous Slice of Pizza


Purple Squirrel Theory

0 comments

We’ve received word that a PA couple have spotted and captured a “purple” squirrel.  We want to speak plainly to you about this.  That squirrel is half pigeon-squirrel hybrid, 1/3 iguana, 1/4 peacock, and 1/8 Rhino. It is radioactive as well, and is used as a “classic misdirection device” by members of the 42 Party in order to carry out nefarious deeds while everyone is enamored with the purple squirrel.  Intel has known that they’ve been experimenting with bio-engineering, but not to this extent.

Purple Squirrel News Story