subscribe: Posts | Comments

#14 – Quasnell the Biscuit Hunter Hachiuma (aka Jack Swanson)

#14 – Quasnell the Biscuit Hunter Hachiuma (aka Jack Swanson)

Jack Swanson was born and raised in Kawasaki, Japan.  His parents had a singular goal in mind for Quasnell: which was for him to be a sumo wrestler, one of the best in history. There appeared to be a problem early on for his parents however, which was the fact that though Jack was somewhat large and healthy, he was a finicky eater.

His parents were incredibly wealthy novelty item vending machine owners, so were able to buy whole horses in order to give young Jack 10 pounds of basashi a day, plus a musk melon or two. Jack preferred okayu for every single meal until the age of 17, when he then turned to tea, biscuits, and tacos after watching a few episodes of the Anthony Bourdaine show.

He also enjoyed Pabst Blue Ribbon beer from time to time while listening to music 98% of the world had never heard of, and combing his sparse mustache…….which lead to broad accusations from friends that he quite possibly was a hipster.

Jack of course did not become a well known sumo wrestler, and in fact found that he could not take it seriously.  In every match that he participated in, he would just start laughing and massaging his mustache.  When he was charged at he would try to jump so that the other sumo wrestler’s belly would hit him just right and send him flying like a cannonball.  One could say that he invented his own sport.

His parents weren’t exactly happy about this, but accepted the fact that Jack was a ‘special’ individual, and wasn’t cut out for the sumo life.  The problem was, they decided, Jack seemed to have no ambition whatsoever, and seemed to excel at nothing but sitting on his chair listening to music or watching television.  He always stated things like “I’m finding myself,” or “I need to be my own person.”

Then the day came when Jack knew exactly what he wanted to do.  He would be an aerobics instructor, and he would be a very good one that had a mustache.

And so he became certified personal trainer, aerobics, and dance instructor.  In fact, he became the very best aerobics instructor in the country, and was gaining notoriety throughout the world, especially after the great success he had with his YouTube video instructor led series “Aerobisize that Supersized Belly with a smile and a PBR.”

Molly Clandestine was a long time user of the videos, and realized that the 42 organization as a whole had no fitness plan incorporated as an employee benefit.  Moreover, they kept talking about making the whole world do only a specific type of dance (maybe even a few of them to show they weren’t all bad), and Quasnell seemed to be the one to implement.

Meanwhile, Quasnell became more and more popular, as his mustache pretty much remained the same.  He simply couldn’t get it to grow bushy, but still he thought, at least I have one, and it’s beautiful.  He was finding himself wanting more though… teach more people, and to have an even better facility and video equipment.

Serendipitously, it was at this time that he was approached by Molly Clandestine while he was at a local hipster club in Austin, TX sporting skinny jeans, a mustache, and a can of Pabst Blue Ribbon trying to convince another patron there of the need for a new genre of music called Neu-robic Core for the Core.

He was offered all that he was looking for and quite a bit more:  the chance to teach every single human on the face of the earth a dance that he himself would be tasked with coordinating.  He nearly screamed with joy, and instead let out a few joyful mewls and shed tears into his can of PBR.

He joined with zeal, an immediately shaved his mustache per 42 protocol number 497 which states that no member of the 42 or its subsidiaries shall don a mustache without the consent of the 42 council.  Consent can be obtained only after 4 consecutive unanimous votes from the entire council over a course of 3 or 2 years. Because of this ruling, nobody even tried to get the consent, except for one.  He’s still waiting for the paperwork to go through the red tape, which was 12 years ago, and is still hopeful.


#15 – Garfundel Excaliburn (aka Grettabohn Phillis’s Collapsable Swan)

#15 – Garfundel Excaliburn (aka Grettabohn Phillis’s Collapsable Swan)

Garfundel grew up reading stories of chivalry, of knights fighting one another gallantly and saving ladies in distress without a smile, frown, fart, or expectation of money. He was born to a well-to-do couple in Qatar, who gave young Garfundel anything everything he wanted, which turned out to be books and authentic medieval armor. The armor had to be purchased for massive sums from museums like the Louvre, but it was all worth it to Garfundel, who lived almost wholly in his head, and considered the armor a natural extension of his reality.

The problem, his parents told their psychiatrist when Garfundel was 23 and still wearing armor and reading books about gallant knights, is that he seems to have no ambition to live….well… reality.  He prefers the world he has made, they said, and if he had his way he’d have a castle, drawbridge, moat, squires, kings, queens, jokers, villains, and the whole lot.

Upon hearing this, a metaphorical light bulb went off went in the psychiatrist’s head, one that appeared to be wrapped in uncountable Ryals.  You see, the psychiatrist had been approached at a conference that took place in Georgia (the country, not the U.S. state).  The conference was all about how to deal with turtle obsessions, though that in and of itself is not important.  What is important is that the psychiatrist was approached by a well dressed charismatic business man by the name of Luffington.  Luffington made it abundantly clear that though it was absolutely wrong to do so, the psychiatrist should report any extreme cases of extreme obsession with living outside of reality to him, and the monetary reward would be substantial.

So the stage was set, literally, by Luffington and the 42 to lure Garfundel in.  One slightly drizzly day while the now 24 year old Garfundel was playing in his backyard fortress (more or else a tree house  without the tree), he heard what sounded like the appeal from a damsel in distress, and she had what seemed to be a British accent.  He was already donned in his armored accoutrement, and had already been practicing his broadsword moves, so he was ready.  You could say that he had been waiting his whole life for this moment. He peered over the backyard fence with cunning eyes, and spotted what appeared to be a couple of villains (as he pictured them…the 42 had obtained a copy of his drawings), trying to get the woman to give them all her money.

Garfundel climbed over the fence despite being able to merely open the gate, and there began a piece of rhetoric he’d been practicing for sometime now:

Take thee villainous hands of this honorable lady, lest you lose them by my sword.  Hear me speak with thy villainous ears; see me rise to meet thy threat with vengeance and blood if need be; hear with thy villainous ears the crush of leaves under mine own feet.  Thou treacherous deeds will be paid in full….

And thereupon it continued for a full ten minutes before the ‘villains,’ fell to the ground begging for mercy from the valiant knight.  He granted them mercy just like any just knight would, and the lady rushed to him and thanked him dearly.  She then invited him to meet her family, one that was 42 in number……

He barely had any choice in the matter at this point.



#16 – Luffington Yesterday Spearheading (aka Lunar Eclipse)

#16 – Luffington Yesterday Spearheading (aka Lunar Eclipse)

Luffington grew up near Hyde Park in a run down hotel that his parents owned and operated called “The Palace of Sorts.” All Luff wanted to do was play his Mushroom Flute.  He dreamed of a day when he could get paid for playing his Mushroom Flute in exotic places like Michigan, Greenland, and Denver.

This all changed after “The Accident.”  He was 20 and idealistic, and living off of Ramen noodles and crashing on friend’s couches in flats that belonged to his friend’s parents. Life was hard, but he was free….and he was starting to get gigs. London was beginning to accept and love the art of Mushroom Flute playing, and no-one was as good as Luffington (aka Lunar Eclipse).

One night after a particularly great concert, Luffington stopped in a cafe to buy a scone with the ‘more than a few pence’ he’d earned that night.

Nothing happened at the cafe.

He ate his scone without incident.

On his way home from the cafe Luffington looked up at the myriad stars in the night, and felt a deep sense of awe, wonder, and contentment.  Life was good, he thought.  At exactly that time, with a great whop! he was smacked right in the mouth with debris from space.  He later learned that it was debris from a satellite that had been destroyed as it was being used by some foundation or another to meddle with species or something like that.

Luffington didn’t care why the satellite was destroyed, and wished that it hadn’t been.  He was laid up in the hospital for a week, then had to wear a face cast for 3.1 months. He couldn’t practice, and loathed it.

He passed the time playing Farmville.

When the time finally came to have the cast removed he was jubilant.  When it was removed he was very unpleasantly surprised.  For he found that he could no longer make the “0” shape with his mouth in order to play his Mushroom Flute.  He thought that maybe it was merely a lingering thing that would fade with time, but after 54 doctor visits and 3.7 years later, he gave up.  He didn’t give up on life, but he was pissed off and shook his fist in the air often.  This made him wildly unpopular in places like libraries and movie theaters.

He decided that perhaps with the right amount of money he could completely re-structure his face to that he could play the Mushroom Flute again.  So he went into Marketing, and was one the most agressive marketers the world had ever seen.  He had absolutely no scruples, and showed no ethical values whatsoever in his work, which the companies he worked for secretly loved.  He worked 23 hour days, and 7 day workweeks. He was relentless, and even wondered if there was any possible way to meddle with the space time continuum to have 8 days in the week, just as the Beatles had described it.

He then became so absorbed in his work that he forgot altogether why he went into the business in the first place.  The Mushroom Flute became an absent memory, one that when it surfaces is immediately jettisoned like moldy bread that has been multiplying in moldy-ness over a significant span of time.

He became so entranced with the thought of being the most formidable marketer in the world, he dared (in a tweet to the world) anyone to challenge him in a marketing duel.  The 42 caught wind of this, as they had been following the actions of the great Mr. Spearheading closely, waiting for the moment to sieze their opportunity to hire him on. This was it, they thought, and they were right.

They presented the greatest challenge Luffington had received yet:  To convince the world that though you were taking actions to conquer and rule it for self serving purposes, you were just naive, dumb, kind-hearted creatures who liked filberts.

When he first heard it, he realized it was akin to persuading someone that you wanted only what was best for them and were really a simple and gently creature as you stole their car, credit cards, identity, and life savings on the day of their retirement.

He was sold, and committed himself immediately to the 42.

(Sketch of Luffington pre-marketing days, when he could still play the Mushroom Flute.)

#17 – Molly Clandestine

#17 – Molly Clandestine

Molly one day found herself wandering close to Mount Semeru in Indonesia, many miles from home, which was usually South Dakota and sometimes Oklahoma in the states. She generally had had a good life rummaging through trees, running across streets, and eating Egg McMuffins from the hands of college students….until she found herself wandering by a volcano.

Not only that, but she found that she could not move quickly at all, and was raised up much higher off the ground.  There were many thoughts that went through her head that time, like “maybe I’m dead,” or “maybe I’m in a coma,” or “maybe I’ve eaten too many Egg McMuffins.”

When she came upon a small pond, she noticed her reflection.  She was quite shocked at how large and hairy she had become, but thought that the horns were very nice.

Initially we thought that the 42 had been implementing some of their nefarious experiments with transmutation of species. This proved not to be the case, and found that it was due to a drunk hacker located in New Brunswick, Canada. The hacker had gotten incredibly wasted one night after his friends kept pouring vodka into his red bull.

After drinking about 8 of them, he decided he would access random satellites.  He inadvertently accessed an old satellite from the “We’re llamas and don’t like it, we want to be something like a tiger or something” charter, who had built the satellite to send transmutation beams from space to change them into other species.

It didn’t work needless to say, in that it didn’t turn them into species that they wanted to be.  Many were turned into wombats and irritable ducks.  So the hacker accessed the satellite, which was supposed to be destroyed years ago but wasn’t due to various high ranking official signatures missing from the paperwork that wasn’t approved by another agency of government.

He then thought, in his addled state of mind, that he was playing a game where the objective was to destroy squirrels.  So he zeroed in on South Dakota, and zeroed in even further to a small community campus where a squirrel was being fed what appeared to be an Egg McMuffin from the hand of a freshman college student.

The drunk hacker knew, or at least thought that he’d get more points by only destroying the squirrel, so focused as well as he could to destroy it.  He missed by a long shot.  But in missing that particular squirrel, he hit another one, Molly Clandestine.

Part of the trouble with transmutation of species via satellite is that the transmuted is also transported to another spot on earth. If you’re a llama, you hope that you end up on solid ground.  The ones who were turned into sunfish weren’t very happy either way.  The ones turned into sharks and whales were happy and ate the sunfish who were not so happy.

The drunk hacker promptly passed out after doing this, and did not remember what he had done at all, until many years later when he was in the middle of saying “I do” at his wedding, which made things very awkward, because he immediately started talking to his best man (the one who had started putting vodka in his Red Bull that night) about what happened that night, completely forgetting that he was in his own wedding and that the bride’s eyes were smoldering solar flares more potent than the sun’s core.

The 42 monitor all satellite use, and were able to track down the transmutated and offer their assistance.  All they asked for in return is that Molly take care of all the secretarial work for the executive offices of their company.  She agreed…and the rest is pretty much history.

#18 – Clancy the Helium Filled 516th Wonder (aka Clark Guzzle)

#18 – Clancy the Helium Filled 516th Wonder (aka Clark Guzzle)

Clark Guzzle grew up in Virginia, son of the famous (more infamous really) moonshine makers Clora and Jiggles Jubstepping. Clora and Jiggles believed in letting the world raise their son, so decided that after Clark was able to walk a bit, talk, and eat filberts on his own without throwing them off his high chair, they would let him do whatever the hell he wanted.

This was just fine with Clark, as he was an adventurous sort and really disliked being told what he could or could not do, even if it meant multiple broken bones later….which it did.

Unlike some who grew up without any real attention from their parents, Clark was not emotionally scarred or perturbed by it. One explanation for this was that Clark had at any given time 5 voices in his head, all vying for attention.  Only one of them he mildly disliked, only because it told him that he shouldn’t do something or other again ‘because remember what happened last time’ type of things. The other 4 all cheered him on, which was nice.

Clark never developed a sense of fear, rather, it seemed to be missing from his genetic makeup.  This is why he started challenging cars with games of chicken at night.  It began when he was 14 and heavily involved in skateboarding, which is when a lot of things begin for squirrels named Clark. We cannot mention the skateboarding incident here, because it has not passed section B-4R2DTWO65 5th Caveat1234 clearance.

At any rate, it became an obsession of his, to challenge cars at night to games of chicken.  Rather, to challenge the drivers of the cars.  Most of the time he won.  Other times it ended badly with broken bones, though most of the time not even a scratch was received due to his height and the height of the underside of the car.

One day, when #32, Sheralack Toboggan Socks was driving home from a “Fascism Fever” conference held in North Carolina, he noticed Clark in the middle of the road.  Now, he had seen others doing this sort of thing, but they were doing it because they either couldn’t see the point of it anymore, or had been caught unawares while investigating a bundle of cranberries in the middle of the road.

With Clark it was different. He could see it in Clark’s feverish eyes (Clark’s eyes were always feverish) that he was honestly challenging him to a chicken match. Sheralack admired this type of behavior, and felt that Clark would be a great addition to the team.

So he stopped the car right in the middle of the road, and without any preamble asked if Clark would like to take on the scariest things in the world.

Clark responded with “dinosaurs?” (He hadn’t received much of an education and thought that they still roamed the earth, though in places like California where they would be easily accessible for filming.

With a delighted chuckle Sheralack said “scarier than dinosaurs my boy….you’ll be taking on politicians.”

Nothing more needed to be said…..Clark was in, mainly because he had no idea what the hell a politician was, but if it was worse than dinosaurs, then perfect.

This is the only sketch available in the known universe showing Clark acting out what he loved to do in life.


#19 – Furl Bontobin the Clapping Nizm

#19 – Furl Bontobin the Clapping Nizm

Furl Bontobin (pronounced Gurl Fon – Toe – Been) grew up in the corporate world, where social climbing was expected, even at the expense of others, and money = everything.  At the age of 8 she had learned all about business acumen from her 300 times over billionaire father: Henry Weedleworf the III Referee. By the time she was 26, she was accomplished, and could condescend to anybody.

She was so used to commanding others, and getting her way, that she did so even when she went to foreign nations where she didn’t know the language or customs.  She still expected everyone to cater to her every whim. She once commanded the Nobel laureate and altruistic President Zarnig Bustinwhoop to lay down on her cab seat because it appeared to be ‘slightly dirty.’ Zarnig first merely dismissed her as merely a delusional schizophrenic high on mescaline.  When he discovered that she was another megalomaniac with the intention of becoming a full on sociopath, he hurled a controlled but venomous admonition, which translated to layman’s terms would be loosely: “F*(&^ Off.”

She became frustrated with the fact that not everyone in the world quivered a bit when speaking to her for fear that they would be fired or possibly omitted for the possibility of advancement within the company.  She even attempted to sue entire nations.  She  attempted to declare herself a sovereign entity above all other nations, with fine print basically saying all nations and persons within needed to heed her requests with respect and a bit of awe.

She felt that only requesting a ‘bit’ of awe was a fair compromise.  Her father was extremely proud.  He was also proud of the fact that though she was only of average intelligence, her ego became so bloated the science community wanted to study the phenomenon.  They estimated that if her ego could be compared to something physical, it would be roughly the size of the known universe.  They also accounted for the fact that the universe was ever expanding, which when they were able to convince her to allow them to examine her psyche (with the subtle caveat that it was to ‘study how optimal superhuman persons should be, maybe in the next couple of centuries or so’), they found her ego was expanding at roughly the same rate as the known universe.

Another thing they considered to be an extraordinary phenomenon was her ability to completely dismiss the fact that she too, just like every other carbon based life form on the planet, would die.  Their final determination, along with the voice of the psychiatric community, was that she was just fucking crazy.

She wanted to be the goddess of the world, and was having a difficult time going about it.

She may have been kangaroo shit crazy…but she had a lot of money, and a lot of ambition to rule others.  Most of the world wished that the batshit crazy part of her brain would suddenly decide to run off somewhere and never come back, or that maybe it was time for some sort of ‘accident,’ to happen, like an accidental lobotomy when going in for minor elbow surgery, or a mountain road suddenly not being there while she drove along it.

While the rest of the world decided that there really was no need for another delusional power hungry blood thirsty money grubbing maniac in the world, the 42 believed they had found their financial consultant.  They could think of no-one more ruthless, and therefore perfect for the job.  And because they too wished to rule the world, they believed they could sell her on it……and….they did.  They of course took no demands from anybody, but since they were literally the only organization with more money than her, she acquiesced to their caveat that she could not try and boss them around, lest they get angry and make her scrub toilets (which happened to be something she had never done, ever, and had recurring nightmares about.  The 42 were experts at finding one’s weak spot.

Behold, Furl Bontobin the Clapping Nizm. If you have been within a 50 mile radius of Furl, you most likely had a slight feeling of being condescended to and belittled. Please report any sightings of Furl here.

« Previous Entries Next Entries »