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#8 – President Jungle (aka See E. Oh)

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#8 – President Jungle (aka See E. Oh)

President Jungle grew up in Venezuela, then moved to Vilamoura, Portugal when he was 24.  He thought that the inhabitants of the country spoke horrible Spanish, so bad in fact, that he couldn’t understand what they were saying 64% of the time.

It was at this point that he decided a new, universal language should be spoken, and it wouldn’t be English, Mandarin, Japanese, American, Spanish, horrible Spanish spoken by the Portuguese, or even French. No, especially not French he thought to himself.

The following highly classified archived information labeled under “Not Accessible to Anybody, Ever” folder is an excerpt from President Jungle’s request, written in English, as he thought that perhaps the people of Portugal were speaking a weird dialect of English:

heyin their, fellow builders of future better tomorrow for,

I jus say want to know english of yours pour. i change want now to younee virsull lingua.  we call language new “soap opera.”  Language this sooper seed languages of others in galazy. More hores please well as, this simple time rekwest mine fulfill yes?

champagne called lol

elefent call rofl

saafwear call imo

we need all peepull this do. fri’d rodent please world munchee

The excerpt made absolutely no sense to anyone who wasn’t completely high at the time they looked at the excerpt, so the leaders of Portugal spend millions so that research could be made into just what was meant by this cryptic entry.

When the riddle was finally solved by a local pot-head, they decided to simply throw it away as they concluded it was written by someone extremely high on various drugs, or deranged, or really really inefficient with the English language in written form.

The 42, having access to all government run programs and databases in Portugal, found out about President Jungle, and saw potential….at least, they liked the idea of one language to impinge on the world. They were somewhat ashamed of not thinking of it themselves.

After a few months of searching, they finally found President Jungle working at a local McDonalds taking drive thru orders. It was an interesting dynamic, as President Jungle still generally didn’t understand what the people were saying from their cars (though he had been getting a bit better).  He got most of the orders wrong 92% of the time. When the 42 went through the drive thru, they spoke in Spanish, with an accent that is native to the region in Venezuela that President Jungle had grown up in.

He was so happy about this that he spent 45 minutes talking to them on the intercom, while myriad cars piled up behind them.  The people behind them tried to honk, but the 42 had used their “horn wave destroyer” mechanism to silence them while they spoke with President Jungle.

When they finally pulled up to the window, President Jungle’s boss had fired him, but he really didn’t care. He ran his ideas by the 42, which were much more lucid in Spanish, and much more disturbing than they had initially thought, which appealed to their fascist-like philosophy. He wasn’t at all intelligent they found, which didn’t really bother them.  He had the fortitude to do and implement exactly what they needed.

He was hired on the spot….and President Jungle never had to wear a McDonalds uniform again….well, just once, but that was for personal reasons when he was role playing with an “Escort” in Hungary.

The sketch we have available is of President Jungle barking orders to his “Lingual Platoon,” as he called it.  This platoon, along with many others, would be used to enforce the new language on a global scale.


#9 – Phillis Wallberry

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#9 – Phillis Wallberry

Phillis grew up in Alaska with Wild Bears. She thought that she was a bear up until college, when she found that she wasn’t at all a bear, but an entirely different species.  She was an intelligent, yet psychotically inclined individual.  She would often wander about the forest singing “Sweet Home Alabama” when there were wild Pumas about.  She knew that Pumas didn’t roam around the Alaskan landscape somewhere in her mind, but she would at times forget this and think that wild Pumas were after her.  By singing Sweet Home Alabama out loud, she thought that she was being bold….facing the Pumas, as it were.  So you see, this is a typical thought process for Phyllis at any given time, applicable to many situations.

So she did what many college students do who don’t know what to major in, and are interested in the human psyche because realize their own is perhaps a bit anomalous to the norm, which was major in psychology.

When she graduated she had a mental breakdown, and decided she needed to become a full on psychiatrist.  She wanted to be able to dispense meds to herself, and to others who might need it.  She didn’t like seeing her own psychiatrist, as she suspected that he was really an alien life form named NED who wanted to take over the planet and replace Ted Talks with NED Talks.  There were times when she realized she was a bit non-sensical, but they were brief flashes of insight that faded immediately with pictures of rhinoceros’s laughing at a card table, smoking crack cocaine and talking about the Craigslist casual encounter section.

She then decided that everyone was probably a lot like her, which was sanely insane.  It became her goal to dispense medication to the entire world, and maybe even alien NED-like life forms in order to help them deal with whatever psychosis they had, or to just give them something to control them or laugh at the effects of the particular drug given.  She thought that she was probably what they called a ‘sociopath,’ but really didn’t care, which fell right in line with the argument that she surely was.

Phillis was another member of the 42 who had reached out to them in order to join and take part in ruling the world in a fascist-like fashion. During a political rally put on by Sarai Palezninn in support of something that seemed very much like fascism to those innocent bystanders just visiting to try out the salmon, Phillis noted that certain persons were wearing lapels that had the letters FFF  on them.

She was curious, and asked one of them what it meant.

The person responded with a question:  “What would it mean to you if it meant ‘Filberts, Fashion, and Fascism,’ which was a mantra of a super-organization conspiring to rule the world in a fascist-like fashion?”

She replied by first handing over her resume, then describing how she would like to distribute medication to the world, and was most likely a staunch sociopath.

She was on a flight to 42 headquarters that night.

 


#10 – Ricky Ploon (aka Master Planner of the 7th Jelly Fold)

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#10 – Ricky Ploon (aka Master Planner of the 7th Jelly Fold)

Ricky Ploon grew up in The Rhone Valley region of France, though he didn’t take part in wine production.  His parents were both bonafide blacksmiths, so of course, this is what Ricky Ploon grew up with.  School was difficult for Ricky, as the rest of the students (with the exception of the custodian’s daughter, Janine Flaugherty), were sons and daughters of rich wine farmers or drug dealers. They would laugh at his ever smokey appearance, which really was from head to toe. In essence, he was picked on perpetually throughout school.

Ricky was the passive aggressive type….rather, he was the pending articulate revenge type.

Every time he was made fun of, he would “Send the Pain Below,” as the musical artist put it.  He had somehow partitioned a portion of his brain and made it a dedicated drive created exclusively for hate of others and self; filled with guilt, mania, revenge tactics, politics, and pictures of clowns.

He started off small, but he decided to give his classmates a lesson. For years he had worked on developing a chemical that would ‘time stamp’ fabric with the message of ones choosing.  The night before graduation, he snuck into the room where the graduation robes were housed, and reading the names of the robe assignments, there implanted his very own chemical creation.

He programmed the messages to reflect the darkest secrets of every single person graduating, with the exception of Janine Flaugherty (she was essentially his only friend). When they walked up to the stage to receive their respective diplomas, the special light bulb (also created and installed by  Ricky) would illuminate the message on both the front and back of the fabric.  The amazing part of it though, was the fact that the embedded message wouldn’t show up right there.

It would only show up on the pictures themselves when they were developed.  Ricky had bribed the photographer to leave the pictures as is and post them to the national database of graduating seniors archive (NDOGSA).

They were had, to be sure.

When the 42 caught wind of this, they knew they needed someone with the amount of cunning displayed by Ricky, so recruited him immediately upon his graduating from high school.  It was such a turn of events for Ricky, he didn’t think twice about joining an organization that was planning on picking on the entire world.

 


#11 – Felipe Hexadecimal (aka Captain Mustard, aka Professor Gatwick, aka Sir Snow Butane)

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#11 – Felipe Hexadecimal (aka Captain Mustard, aka Professor Gatwick, aka Sir Snow Butane)

Felipe was born and raised in a scientific research station in Antarctica. His mother, being young, from West Virginia,  and irresponsible at the time, decided to fly to Antarctica to leave him with people she considered “smart,” since they were scientists and all. She knew she was unfit to raise a child at the time, and really wanted to go through a phase of drug use and dangerous amounts of alcohol intake.  The father mysteriously disappeared after reporting that he wanted nothing to do with any of it, and that he was completely wasted at the time of initiating the process of conception.

He was given the name of Felipe Hexadecimal at birth, but became known primarily as Captain Mustard by day, and Professor Gatwick by night.  His parents were two scientists who looked as though they had never seen much sunlight in their lives, which was due to not having seen much sunlight in their lives.

{stay tuned for the completion of Felipes bio…we’ve been advised that the remaining information will be made available after the diplomatic relations dinner and ping pong match with the Wombats}

Good news everyone, the diplomatic relations dinner went well, and the proper persons in power were allowed to win select ping pong matches with the Wombats.  We now have additional information.  Unfortunately one of our well respected undercover journalists is now missing, as he was somehow included in one of the ping pong match bets.  This is unfortunate, to say the very least. What’s even more unfortunate is that no one knows the real name of the reporter, as he was so undercover only half of his own brain knew what his real name is (or perhaps was, at this point).

Anyway, following is the rest of what we now have on file for Felipe…..

Felipe was very content with his two fathers, scientists James Walsbarrow and Captain Splinter.  He loved the perpetual snow and ice, as well as NSF issued hot chocolate, which was provided in abundance. He did extremely well, up until he was about 17.  There was the simple fact that there were just no girls around, and Felipe gradually started seeing visions, mainly because he was going crazy.  The visions could also be explained by the experimental “calming” medication put into his hot chocolate every morning by the Slovakian cook named Helstuh Bisvoppington.

What really undid him though, was the sudden knowledge that his two fathers were not his real parents at all.  He couldn’t handle it, and he needed something other than stale salmon to start a teenage revolution over.  He decided that he would take the next flight back to West Virginia to find his real parents.  His fathers, being the practical sort that they were, understood, and said that he could do so when he turned 18.  They bought him martial arts lessons to help quell the angst in their teenage son.

The 42 has access to all profiles listed in the National Science Foundation database, and knew that Felipe would be coming to the states to find his “real” parents.  They knew they could use the scientific expertise and martial arts know-how in their group.  They also knew that working with someone who had grown up on the South Pole would be an interesting study, and likely easily influenced as they hadn’t had time to have certain cultural axioms ingrained in their psyche.

When Felipe stepped out of the airplane, he was greeted by what he was told was his bood mother and father.  Little did he know, he was actually greeted by Molly Clandestine and Luffington Spearheading. He was brought into the fold, and didn’t even mind later when he found out that he had been tricked into joining the 42.  The hot chocolate was just that much better stateside.

 

 

 


#12 – Dr. Herzenstubles Hoffenger the Flying Goatherder of North Farthing

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#12 – Dr. Herzenstubles Hoffenger the Flying Goatherder of North Farthing

Dr. Herzenstubles knew that he wanted to be a medical doctor ever since he learned how much money one could make.  He knew that he would never be selected to play in the NBA (due to a misplaced kneecap), and would most likely never be a famous actor (cameras made him ostensibly irritable, though it was most likely his never ending fear that there in the camera was another “himself” in another universe that happened to be inside the camera).  He considered the NFL, but determined that none of the colors suited his tastes.

Dr. Herzenstubles was born as Hoffenger Gothing Farthid, and was raised in a well to do, if not posh neighborhood in Beverly Hills.  His parents were origami instructors, and encouraged young Hoffenger to join the family business.  He knew that the only way his parents could afford the lavish lifestyle they were living was from an out of court settlement they had with a major tech. company.  Evidently, the tech. company had completely ripped off one of their patented designs or something, and basically shooed them away with hard cash so as to avoid yet another media sensation.  That’s what everyone said anyway.

What he really wanted to do was to make a lot of money, and practice daring surgeries, in order to gain fame, notoriety, and of course vast sums of money.  The problem, everyone around him thought, was that he really didn’t seem to care about his patients (when he actually became a doctor, though while working on corpses during medical school, some were a bit concerned at the zest with which he partook in carving….almost as if it was something delightful).

After years of practicing medicine and implementing his own daring and risky operations, he had gained some notoriety….for being an incredibly horrible doctor.  His operations rarely went well, and if they did, Dr. Herzenstubles almost seemed gloomy. This was because he was gloomy when this sort of thing happened.  He was of course barred from practicing medicine in the 50 states and most of the world, with the exception of Papua New Guinea.

So he moped. He sulked. He even cried a bit, which surprised him, until he noticed that he had rubbed onion juice all over his eyes.

“Wait” he thought.  “How the hell did I get onion juice in my eyes? I don’t eat onions, and I have no need for onion juice.  I didn’t even know that I knew what onion juice was.”

As these thoughts and others played around in his mind like a lacrosse team hopped up on mescaline, there appeared before him a blotchy shape.  The blotchy shape was itself blotchy because of the torrent of tears that for some reason continued to fall.  The blotchy shape spoke:  “We understand that you’ve lost your license to practice medicine..”

“Er, except for Papua New Guinea” interrupted Dr. Herzenstubles.

“Yes, whatever..” continued the blotchy shape.  “Look, we want to offer you a lot more cash, in exchange for…..certain jobs we would be assigning to you.”

“Oh..well, what kind of jobs blotchy?”

“What? My name is Harold.”

“Oh, sorry, I had already labeled you as blotchy.”

“Geesh” Harold muttered under his breath. “Look, you’re going to have to sneak up on people like I’ve just done with you, though you’re going to have to have to learn to be even more subtle, and plant ideas in the minds of movie producers, screenplay writers, musicians, and all that.”

“Why would I want to do that?”

“Because, you idiot, you’ll make a lot of money.  We need someone who doesn’t give a damn for humanity, and you’re the perfect fit…it’s almost scary.”

“Are you scared of me then?”

“You’re pretty damn stupid for a doctor.”

And so began the life of crime in the realm of the 42 for Dr. Herzenstuble (he never did let go of the title, as he stated that without it he felt much to ‘normal,’ almost like the rest of the world that were obviously inferior to him).

Dr. Herzenstubles is now wanted in all countries with the exception of Texas and Antarctica. If you see this extremely dangerous suspect, please report here immediately, for the benefit of the human race.


#13 – Beznin Garbanzai IV (aka the Quilter)

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#13 – Beznin Garbanzai IV (aka the Quilter)

Beznin grew up in a remote village of Nepal, raised by Tom and Martha Biggles, both extremely famous rap stars in the South Asia region.  The Biggles wanted nothing more than their only daughter to graduate from a nice college and become a very important doctor, or maybe a professional marksmen with a strong penchant for miming.

Beznin was well on her way to becoming exactly what her parents expected of her too, if it hadn’t been for the ‘incident.’ Beznin was on her way home from college for the holidays, and was just about there, expecting a nice family sit down with the usual holiday dinner of Cheeto salad and Garbanzo Bean Paste Pasta Extravanaganza, which was a family tradition. Just as she was approaching the house, she saw as if in slow motion her mother stick her head out, slightly orange from working on the Cheeto salad and sneaking a few bites here and there. Just as she was about to wave however, everything vanished. The house, her mother, the pelican lawn ornaments, all gone.  When she looked down, she noticed that instead of sitting in a car, she was sitting on an exercise bike.

The exercise bike was not even a good one, she noted. After having been through a few years of college already, she was used to odd occurrences, though they usually happened due to the psychedelic drugs she had taken that day. So she took it in stride, and surveyed her surroundings. She appeared to be on the top of a very very tall building.  She could see no stars overhead, but instead saw what seemed like infinite stars below, spreading as far as the eyes could see.

There was a strange but not altogether unpleasant smell in the air, and gunshots rang out from somewhere. There was a  potted fern nearby.  She decided to start pedaling, so as to let her mind clear a bit, and to think of something else, like a Russian church. She closed her eyes, and pictured what she thought she remembered as being Russian Renaissance architecture.  When she opened them, she was sitting on a ski lift that was moving up a mountain side.  The people directly behind her were speaking French, and appeared to be startled about something.

For some reason, a part of her (she felt), knew exactly what was going on, which would help explain her calm reaction to all of it.  She then began to experiment, and thought of home while she closed her eyes.

When she opened them, she was standing in front of what used to be the Biggles residence, but had now been turned into a used bicycle/hookah shop.  When she went in and asked what had become of the previous residents, the owner stated that the shop had just been built there 4 months ago. She vaguely recalled her father telling her that before they had purchased the house, it had been a bicycle/hookah shop.

She knew that all the psilocybin in the world couldn’t do what she thought was happening to her presently, so she asked what year it was. When the shop owner told her, she decided that it was time simply give in and embrace complete insanity.  She smiled very broadly, half wondering where she really was in the world while her psyche took to roaming about a pseudo-physical plane of her own imagining.

What she didn’t realize was that all of it was very real, and it was pointed out to her quite by accident by one of the 42.

She was in Amsterdam, painting a wall that she thought didn’t exist with pixie stick paste made from Mountain Dew and pixie stick candy dust.  She was writing “I think, therefore I could turn a brick into a jelly bean…or 2” when she found herself facing the wall on the other side of the alley.

Likening herself to Sisyphus, she went about making more paste in order to start writing again.  She thought that her throttled brain merely got a bit glitchy, most likely due to the goat cheese she had eaten a few hours ago.

When she began again, she noticed that the wall was completed.  “WTF” she thought. What she didn’t notice was the 42 representative standing at the head of the alley witnessing the entire thing. She was disappearing and reappearing on opposite ends of the wall.

He had been in the middle of a conference call when he stopped in his tracks at the sights he was seeing.  He knew that this person needed to join their team, even if he didn’t know exactly how she would fit in.  He immediately dialed mission control via his Thought Wave Influencer in order to gain approval for the Acquisition Of A New Subject, otherwise known as AOANS. Approval was granted, so he then set out to acquire.

After speaking with Beznin for a good 50 minutes at a small cafe in the middle of Amsterdam, thankful that she didn’t disappear, he learned the entire story.  It was almost too easy for him….she, despite whatever he thought to tell her, believed that he was a figment of her imagination, a mere puzzle piece in her solipsistic microcosm.

She thought that it was about time her brain came up with something a bit more intriguing than dilapidated  exercise bikes and brick walls in the shadier areas of various cities.  She still hadn’t figured out how to make it to a Russian Orthodox church, and just figured her mind couldn’t construct a good enough framework for her to be present in. She embraced the 42 and their ideals, and eventually forgot that she had thought she had been making it all up. Authorities are hoping to work directly with Beznin, as they feel she may just be the unknowing defector that they need.

 


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