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Flying Squirrels Invade New Jersey

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Ok, maybe not the entire state of New Jersey yet, though we are seeing more and more instances of blatant attacks by the deranged squirrel population.

In an obvious attempt to infiltrate our health care system, deranged flying squirrels have invaded an Emergency Room in a hospital in New Jersey.

Deranged Flying Squirrels Attempt to Infiltrate the Health Care System

 


Display of Power at Columbia University

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Taken at the one of the oldest educational institutions in the country, this squirrel was caught in the act at Columbia University.  What was the squirrel doing?  She was eating an enormous slice of pizza, and not just because she was hungry.  Oh no, she did this to show the forthcoming dominance of the squirrel species.  If put into one of our languages, such as English, what she was saying translates to: “We are the new pizza eaters, the powerful, the chosen.  We will have our filberts and eat them too.” (Translation courtesy of Squirrel Behaviorist Bob Hillback).

Squirrel Eating Enormous Slice of Pizza


Purple Squirrel Theory

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We’ve received word that a PA couple have spotted and captured a “purple” squirrel.  We want to speak plainly to you about this.  That squirrel is half pigeon-squirrel hybrid, 1/3 iguana, 1/4 peacock, and 1/8 Rhino. It is radioactive as well, and is used as a “classic misdirection device” by members of the 42 Party in order to carry out nefarious deeds while everyone is enamored with the purple squirrel.  Intel has known that they’ve been experimenting with bio-engineering, but not to this extent.

Purple Squirrel News Story

 


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