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Final 3 Squirrels Found Posing as Trump’s Hair

Final 3 Squirrels Found Posing as Trump’s Hair

You haven’t heard from us for a while because we’ve been tracking the final 3 squirrels who want to take over the world. Well, the search is over. All 42 are accounted for.

You know how some parasites control their host’s minds? Well, apparently that’s what these three squirrels have been doing with Donald Trump for a very very long time. Donald Trump does not have hair; he has squirrels…sociopath squirrels who want nothing more than to make life for humans as the dominant species to come to an end.

“We really couldn’t believe we missed it for so long” head JAOFF reporter Zaz McNichols said. “We were trying all sorts of things…George even tried to go undercover…wore a squirrel costume for 2 years and even created propaganda that basically echoed the 42’s. I guess his 200 lb frame didn’t really help. We even went to the Kakadu Wetlands with a guy named Mike Penceuldik and a case of Fosters looking for the final damn three. Mike kept going on and on about gay this and gay that causing the end of the world. It was super weird. Luckily a gay pigeon shit into his eyes and he had to go back. We kind of hoped that he would get malaria or something. The guy was a total a@@hole. Then there were the 4 months spent in Moscow. My lawyer said I couldn’t talk about the first 3 months, but in the 4rth we really started to pay attention to police officers outside of our cells. They kept blabbing about Putin and Trump.

But this is where the idea came to Jim Jonnekin’s mind. He scribbled out some cryptic message in blood that I couldn’t read, so I just asked him what it said as we were staying in the same cell.

‘I think I know where the final 3 are, and you’re not going to believe it.’

“At first I just thought that he had another bad bowl of Borscht or whatever it was and his mind was finally crumbling like a 3-year old cookie. Then we started analyzing. We even got one of Hilary’s staff aides to grab a piece of hair…well, fur, from his head while Trump was talking about how awesome his words were to one of his aids while holding onto her crotch and asking if his hands felt too small. Once we got the sample, we knew. Oh yeah, we knew.”

Apparently, the “final damn three” as our top investigators are calling them, developed a technique known as the Gowlden Shaur (pronounced ˈSHou(ə)r) to contort and weave their bodies together indefinitely. Once we knew it was them our investigative team back home got to work. The 42 squirrels are naturally telepathic, but they knew they needed something very robust to accomplish what they wanted. So they developed the Eyeminas Whole method, where they were able to use the naturally racist, misogynistic, paranoid, narcissistic, nihilistic, self-centered thoughts of the host and amplify them, so the host had no choice but to blurt them out, even in presidential debates. There was one caveat, though; the host’s brain had to be extremely underdeveloped, to the point where self-awareness was barely evident. In evolutionary terms, the Homo Habilis would probably have greater intellectual prowess than their ideal host.

Well, they found their perfect host. And today they are in control of the man who is going to be inaugurated as the 45th president of the Unites States of America.

The following image was created by a professional artist to express distaste for Donald Trump. There have been others who have made references to Trump’s hair being like squirrel hair or worse. To us, this showed that many people around the world were intuiting what we’ve only recently discovered definitively.


The squirrels grew up in a small village somewhere in the vicinity of a treehouse next to the Westboro Baptist Church and have changed their names to Ted Nuggets, Rushing Limbahn, and Marzin Shkrelin.

“We’ve spent years searching for these little d!cks, and we found em'” stated our chief correspondent Erica Sports. “The question is,” she continued, “what the hell do we do now?

It has begun….


The squirrels are growing more bold by the minute, the second, the millisecond:

Fly and Slide Squirrel

News and ‘In the News’ Overview


Let’s face the blatant facts:  Squirrels are in the media, and they are saturating it.  We’ve decided that it was time to provide the general public a keen look into the seemingly subtle influx of squirrels in news reports.

It is no random occurrence. It is not happening because squirrels tend to do strange things like try to climb trees while drunk, run across the street right when you approach with your automobile, stare at you intently while chewing a 4 day old McDonalds french fry, or as mentioned in an article about “Squirrel Appreciation Day,” attack stray dogs due to pine cone shortages.  No…the 42, while conspiring to rule the world, also conspire with media conglomerates on a worldwide scale to convey that all squirrels are harmless, cute, naive, and unaware that humans find them mildly interesting, especially when they do something that will make other humans laugh in a video.

The media will never report on what is actually going on, or what has already happened, and certainly not what will happen (they won’t report on what will happen because many simply don’t know the future.  Others, like CNN, and specifically, Anderson Cooper…will not let on that they know what the future holds.  Anderson Cooper is 894 years old, and doesn’t look a day past somewhere between 39 and 44). The news media will never report on actual real life occurrences like the following:

February 19, 1874 – Eduardo Saskatchewan was resting in his bungalow in a region on or near Australia, when he noticed a squirrel staring at him from his large bungalow sliding glass door. They then proceeded to stare each other down for 10 days. Eduardo was never quite the same after that, and for some reason believed that he was stuck inside a tupperware product sold by a Mary K representative.  He also thought that his bungalow had turned into a spaceship, so he spent much of his remaining days attempting to commandeer his ship out of the tupperware vortex.

October 7, 807 BC – Vinny Bacchiodicho, a metallurgist in Italy was crafting a life size centaur for his wife, Helga Mezdenia, when he found himself surrounded by a group of squirrels dressed smartly in what is now known as ‘Robin Hood’ attire. They proceeded to shoot arrows (known today as toothpicks) at Vinny, though obviously not with the intent of harming him.  All (there were roughly 50 of them), shot their arrows with purpose, cunning, and incredible accuracy.  When they were done, they had spelled out the words “metal one of us humano.”  Vinny took this to mean that instead of a centaur, he should create instead a squirrel metal sculpture….and he did.  The artifact is buried 47 miles beneath the earth’s crust in a place that can’t be pronounced in most languages.

January 21 is “Squirrel Appreciation Day.”  It is obvious, not to mention proven based on supra-confidential documents we’ve obtained from sources we don’t even know exist, that this ‘appreciation’ day was setup by the 42 themselves.  In the following article, it states that this day was proclaimed by Christy McKeown.

Squirrel Appreciation Day Article

It is important to note that Christy McKeown does not exist, at least not in the way that you and I exist, dear reader. Christy McKeown was simply made up by the 42’s marketing department, and they paid every single news source handsomely in order to keep the truth from escaping their reporter’s lips.

Be steadfast…keep your eyes open, and do not succumb to the influence of the media and the obvious 42 rhetoric.

Robo Squirrel is Here


Under the guise “‘Robosquirrel’ deployed to research relationship with rattlesnakes, CNN posted an article about a robotic squirrel to supposedly “research” squirrel relationships with rattlesnakes. The robotic squirrel is being engineered by UC Davis.

This, to us, is obvious proof that CNN and UC Davis have been bought out by the 42 to join them in their conspiracy, much like Saruman thought it would be beneficial to side with Sauron.  We all remember how that turned out…

What really is happening:

Due to a recent uprising against the 42 by SFPAS (Squirrels For Peace and Stuff), the 42 have found that in order to more efficiently influence the masses they need to create an army….an army that will be robotic.  They’ve come to the conclusion that they will create “cliques” of elite, powerful, beautiful, happy looking squirrels to persuade the masses.  This at least offers the populace the illusion that they’ve made a choice completely independent of bias and political pandering, etc, etc.

For those that do not make the choice that the 42 determines is the right choice, the robotic toughs will be utilized, and it won’t be pretty, as the saying goes.



Craigslist Founder Brainwashed by Squirrels – Exclusive JAOF Report

Craigslist Founder Brainwashed by Squirrels – Exclusive JAOF Report

Craigslist Founder Will Donate $1 if You Tweet About Squirrels

If our memory serves us correctly, there’s a good chance that we’ve seen this coming and have warned the world that things like this would start happening.

What is happening?

The 42 are using their vast resources now to brainwash/bribe/convince/influence/use Made Up Pseudo Scientology/blackmail influential rich people to directly or indirectly or omni-directly help their cause.

They’re smart.

They’re starting off with people that to the general public have no face except the website that they started.  The masses think, nay, know deep down that Craigslist was created by a guy named Craigory or Chet or Ched or Bobcat that lives in his grandmother’s basement and eats a lot of Cheetos that have small traces of chloroform in them. The truth of the matter is not important, so long as they can sell their stained furniture to strangers, browse the Casual Encounters Personals section “just for fun,” and buy stained furniture from strangers to replace what they just sold.

The 42 squirrels will continue to grow in power, and the conspiracy will become more than just hushed whispers in the marketplace, workplace, spa, golf range, ad infinitum of social places.

Be on your guard human citizens, for though they seem to be merely gathering filberts and frolicking, they are watching you.  Their tails stand straight up and are all equipped with imperceptible video cameras that record, track, and analyze human behavior.

Be vigilant in these precarious times.



Deranged Squirrel Intern Alert Threat Raised to Chartreuse

Deranged Squirrel Intern Alert Threat Raised to Chartreuse

**This just in from Blapital Smill**

On the eve to the eve of Easter, we’ve received the shocking news from our ‘very reliable source’ that the Department of Deranged Squirrel Control has raised the security level threat to Chartreuse. This is a security level higher than the previous, which was Magenta.  No-one knew it was Magenta, because no-one told anyone it was, but that’s OK.  Here’s more from our ‘very reliable source,’ Jim Smaggles:

Us: “Jim, what’s it like out there?  I feel like I hear the very essence of pandemonium taking place right at your proverbial doorstep.”

Jim:  “I’m in the office right next to yours Bill.”

Us: “Right, that sounds downright terrifying.  Please send my condolences to the victims, because I really do care.  Really, I’m not just saying that because I’m on an international broadcast with perfectly coiffed hair.”

Jim: “Umm”

Us: “Jim, as you’re out there risking your life for the citizens of the human world, do you have any words of wisdom, or things that humanity can do together?  For instance, should we come up with a new team sport or something?”

Jim: “Uh, er, no.  Look, I’m in the office next to yours.  I can hear you through these walls.  Anyway, we’ve raised the level to Chartreuse because we’ve received word from top intelligence who received word from supra-intelligence that the interns are quote, ‘up to something.'”

Us:  “Jim, that sounds absolutely terrifying.  Our hearts go out to you.

Now onto local news:  A local man creates a flying banjo out of a deck of cards, a llama straddle, and engine parts…”

Once we’ve gained clearance to post the whole conversation live in 2019, we may or may not post it here. What we gather from Jim is that while you can still go to church and hunt Easter eggs, be aware that conniving deranged squirrels working as interns for the 42 have been tasked with causing mayhem during this time.  It’s a classic case of misdirection, where they use certain holidays to pull off heists when our eyes are turned to something else.

Historically, the interns have just been tasked with simple “Fight Club” type acts of mayhem, like making root beer flavored jelly beans taste like okra. This year, we can expect them to be cooking up something worse than okra flavored jelly beans (is there such a thing?) to annoy us. Sources tell us they are trying to change this coming Sunday to the coming Monday early, so that people are a day late for work.  We hope of course, that this does not happen.

The interns are made up mainly of college freshman and sophomores from Philadelphia, Costa Rica, and a small part of Fiji. Stand strong, and keep your eyes peeled as you peel your multicolored hard boiled eggs.

Bob Hillback, Senior Reporter for the JAOFS,

Before becoming the Senior Reporter for the JAOFS, Bob Hillback was the head custodian of the undisclosed location of the building from which the JAOFS work.

Below: Picture of what appears to be a Progressive Insurance agent interviewing Tom Cruise, or perhaps some other famous political leader.  Bob Hillback’s left (recently manicured) hand is holding a mic capturing everything Tom is saying.




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