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#6 – Sequoia Snushka (aka Pillough Wars SLAGGLE)

#6 – Sequoia Snushka (aka Pillough Wars SLAGGLE)

Sequoia Snushka was born by a rotary phone that was not connected to anything in a yacht.  The yacht was somewhere in the vicinity of the Indian Ocean, and was owned by then trillionaire  Marco Flapolo (often called ‘The Herb Crusted) Snushka. The child was not the offspring of Marco Flapolo Snushka, despite both child and yacht owner having the same surname.

Marco was going on his annual “cruise to who knows the f@#$ where” junket, when he found a mother apparently ready to give birth on – surprisingly enough – a pontoon boat. Having traversed the Indian Ocean before he knew to expect anything, and because he was feeling slightly guilty over the previous nights series of events (the end result of the now known condition called ‘Ridiculously Wealthy Induced Ennui Syndrome’), he decided to lend a helping manicured hand.

Marco set them up in his janitorial staff suite, which consisted of a rotary phone not connected to anything, a tea pot, a picture of Eva Longoria, a small cot, and bathroom. It was there on the cot that Sequoia was born, with the helping hand of midwife Eshvin the Cook.  Eshvin was a man, but didn’t mind being called a midwife because he was a self proclaimed feminist.

The mother’s name was Katerina Grushenka Karamozztoff, and she fell in love with Marco’s riches.

While she fell in love with Marco’s riches, she also fell in love with Eshvin the Feminist Cook’s cooking.  She was hired on as Seafaring Captain of the World (the boat’s name was ‘World’), but ended up mainly reading romance novels and letting Eshvin cook for her.

Her method of raising Sequoia was to let the yacht staff watch out for her, make sure she was fed, and educate her. “To be entirely fair, she wasn’t a terrible mother,” wrote Marco Fapolo in his book “Records of a RWIES Sufferer.”  “It’s just that she didn’t really care at all about other people.

Sequoia grew up thinking that both Eshvin and Marco were her fathers, which appealed to Eshvin’s socio-political ideals, and to Marco’s ego. Marco had decided to stay on the open sea, as his syndrome seemed to stay under control as long as he was out on the open seas and had the option to swim with sharks whenever he wanted. Some social analysts conjecture that because Sequoia was educated in an isolated environment by a select few people with their own biases and psychological fragmentation, she developed somewhat of a quixotical paradigm.

Because she had grown up on a boat her whole life, and had very rarely set foot on land, she saw the inhabitants of the land as generally sub-human….un-evolved. Though she had met only a few “Landians,” as she called them, she felt so far superior to them that she took it as a sign from the ocean god Zorma the Zoomba Slayer that she indeed was that superior to them.  Marco, when seeing this take place, thought that maybe somehow Sequoia was his daughter (It was later confirmed that she indeed was, due to a particularly wild night in Kuala Lampur, which again, was not Marco’s doing, but was a result of RWIES). He would not know this fact however, as he developed a rare form of dementia which made him think everyone was running away from him because he looked like an angry tree.  He tried to run after them, but due to fully believing he was a tree, he couldn’t move an inch.  It was a very trying time, to say the least.

Eshvin tried to stop the madness that was obviously gaining a stronghold on Sequoia, to no avail. When she was 23, she determined that she would be the ruler of the seas, though she had no way of knowing how to go about doing this.  Marco, being a man of wealth and notoriety, knew exactly who could possibly help her.  Though he was proud of her feelings of superiority, he at the same time was a bit concerned about her wanting to rule the open seas.  After all, she did have the same last name, and the world knew that she was essentially ‘part of the family franchise.’

He remembered meeting a very self contained individual in Morocco  by the name of Svlaj K. at a ritzy hotel bar. He was a self proclaimed psychiatrist undergoing research related to cases of megalomania.  He offered Marco his card and advised that should he ever run into anyone who exhibited an extreme case of megalomania, in association with statements about wanting to ‘rule the world,’ or at least a portion of the world, then he should call so that the megalomaniac can be analyzed for the greater good of the people.

One night, on his way to a cocktail party Marco had planned for himself and other seafaring sufferers of  RWIES, he stopped by Sequoia’s “War Room” to let her know that he would like to introduce her to someone that could give her ‘advice’ for her seas of the world domination plan.

He thought that Svlaj K was a psychiatrist, and he had believed him when he said it (mainly because he had just taken a Xanax, and thought that a smartly dressed man wouldn’t lie to another smartly dressed man). Svlaj K and Sequoia spoke long into the night, and in fact into the next morning.  If anyone had been looking, they would have thought that the two were falling in love. What was really happening was that the meshing of two world views were dancing to the same tune, each following the lead of the other.  They felt strong.  They felt Fascism.  They Felt Fashion.  They felt slightly hungry for Filberts.