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#5 – Gareth Cunningham Charbroilous III (aka Stopsign Chloroform)

#5 – Gareth Cunningham Charbroilous III (aka Stopsign Chloroform)

Gareth was born into wealth in the city of Palma, Spain.  His parents, Martha Sanchez Coleslavia and Ferdinand Aragon the 157th celebrated the event by purchasing Bellver Castle and redecorating it with IKEA furniture to show they could still mingle with the bourgeois.

At the very same time that Gareth was born, there was another that came into this world anew.  Born into academic gentry, Sir. Grehzgorius Mazmaxico Plaintiff Cupola was welcomed by the same Bellver Castle party attendees. His parents, Talisman Gumjo and Riley Worthol were very close friends.

The two grew up together in the castle.  Our sources report that Talisman, Riley, Martha, and Ferdinand had somewhat of a “not at all Puritan” view of marriage, which resulted in both Gareth and Grehgorius sometimes forgetting whose parents were whose.

Gareth was usually angry, and hated fish.

It was unusual that he hated fish so much, growing up on the island of Majorca, but his parents could do nothing for it.  Gareth adored pizza, cheeseburgers, and double fried Chip Ringers. Chip Ringers are a specialty item on the island, and are made out of the dense accumulation of french fry grease from the local burger joints.  They are usually cleaned out about once a year, so Chip Ringers were somewhat of a delicacy, and costed a small fortune.

Grehzgorius loved fish, and often waved raw stonebash under Gareth’s nose in order to induce violent nausea. Gareth would turn bright red and storm out of the room nearly vomiting, but still muttering the most colorful curses he could think of at Grehzgorius.

Despite their differences, and Gareth’s intense outbursts of anger and frustration brought on by  provocation, they were virtually inseparable.

  • They bought matching sailboats.
  • They dated girls that had similar names and tastes in postmodern art.
  • They both took their first trip to Las Vegas, USA together
  • They both got treated with the same antibiotics due to an infection both received while in Las Vegas
  • They started a band called “The Thuddy Thudwhackers.”

As they grew older, Gareth’s distaste for fish grew as well. He would only swim in the castle pool, which contained no fish.  In fact, he hired a specialty company to put bits of floating pizza in the pool to make it seem like a more ‘organic’ experience. Gareth and Grehzgorius were beginning to spend less and less time together, as while Gareth mainly stayed in the castle, Grehzgorius was practicing the art of “Ballet for Out of Work Actors” and eating massive amounts of broiled fish.

Grehzgorius confronted him in front of his butler.  The butler’s name was Vacuumis Elso:

“Why are you so angry Gareth?”

“I’m not angry. Shut up.”

“Why are you so angry all the time?”

“You’re such an idiot.”

“Want some fish?  I have some in my pockets.  They’ve been there for 4 days…..4 days Gareth.  Plus, why are you so angry?”

“You’re such a jerk.  Ugh! That smells disgusting…dude, put that shit away.”

“Gareth….what happened to you?” asked Grehzgorius asked, his voice changing from provocateur to concerned friend. “Were you in love with a fish and rejected or something?”

“No! I just hate fish.  They. Are. Dis. Gus. Tin. G….plus, there was that one time when a swordfish ate my koala, Mr. Puff Buckins.”

“Oh yeah, I forgot about that.  Is that why you’re so angry all the time?”

It was at this point that Gareth “lost his marbles.”  He began shouting incoherently, and rambling on about seaweed nightmares.  He wanted to move to a landlocked place like Kansas, where people ate meat, and at the worst that popcorn shrimp you get at Walmart. He threw everything at Grehzgorius, including his Chip Ringers, and told him to never, ever talk to him again.

Grehzgorius shrugged his shoulders, said “hmmm,” and walked out.

Gareth seethed for days after this.  He was a wretched mess until he came up with a solution. He would get rid of all the fish in the world….then, and only then, could he be happy. He knew this deep in his heart, and it gave him nefarious peace. He just didn’t know how to go about doing it, until he met Jon Bovi.

Jon Bovi was visiting the castle, as he was friends with Gareth’s parents.  Whenever he came over, French military music was played very loudly over the speaker system throughout the castle, which annoyed Gareth to no end. When the music started up, he was emboldened, and flew into the main chamber in a rage, demanding that the music be shut off.

To Jon Bovi, Gareth was a sight to behold:  Wild unwashed greasy hair flailing, a silk bathrobe drenched in what appeared to be grease from various melted cheeses and Chip Ringers, and a shirt that said simply: All Fish Must Go.

The music was turned off, and Jon Bovi politely extended his apologies for the disruption, and gave Gareth his card. On the back of the card, Jon had written:

“I can help you with your fish problem.”

The next day Gareth was inducted into the 42, and has been ever since.