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#4 – Forda (Glocknein) Denturo Smezzlewick (aka Goose Muzzle)

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#4 – Forda (Glocknein) Denturo Smezzlewick (aka Goose Muzzle)

Forda has one of the richest histories among the 42.  She was found in the capital city of Ankara, Turkey, by a couple of recently emigrated Guatemalan tourists.  The tourists had moved to the south, Alabama specifically, after being hired by an aeronautics organization for their contributions to SACSA (Southern Aeronautics Community Specifically Alabama). Their names were Frito Banchezno and Rita Banchezno Valenzuela Guadalupe Virginia.

They had been in the south for a couple years, so had developed a very rich southern/Guatemalan Spanish accent.  They mainly wore cowboy hats, Wranglers, and colorful shirts that had proclamations like “USA All the Way While Retaining Guatemalan Cultural Heritage!” They had for the most part stopped making traditional dishes in favor of a more proletariat culinary lifestyle of fast food.  They initially made the mistake of thinking that because the food was coming from an established restaurant found in many cities around the world, and had neon lights at night, that the food was healthy. They thus became quite large, and were quite large when they stumbled upon Forda that fateful day in Ankara.

It must be noted here that the Bancheznos could not conceive…due to a dare that Frito had fallen prey to when he was a much younger 24.

That morning the Bencheznos had considered eating at the revolving restaurant named “Sevilla,” though decided they may end up projectile puking like the time they tried to eat an mole/elote mix on a spinning ride named “Twister” at a local fair. Instead they opted for the cafe named UFO.  They were both avid UFO hunters ‘by nature,’ as they would say, so hoped that they could pick up some memorabilia, or maybe even see a human/alien hybrid.

After eating they ventured on to the cupola of the Atakule Tower, to take in the view.  They were surprised to find that they were the only ones present at the time, which lasted for a total of around 47 seconds (according to our timekeeping sources), at which time a robed and hooded figure came into the cupola behind them (they hadn’t noticed as they were taking in the view and both had mild carb comas). This robed figure left something on the floor near the Bancheznos, then swiftly made his way out.  Frito Banchezno noticed something out of the corner of his eye, and he was fairly certain that he read something quite small from the telescopic/reading glasses hybrid awarded to him by SACSA. At the time he thought he had read what appeared to be a name:

 Carbos Salem

He soon forgot about what he had thought he read, as he had noticed that the man had left behind what appeared to be a baby carriage. He motioned for Rita to come take a look.  Sure enough, there lay a person not more than a month in this world, happily gurgling and wondering what the blobs called Rita and Frito were.

“Frito, what in sam hell, we need to tall someone about this, or what the…”

She had paused for a moment, as Frito had found a note that appeared to be addressed to them.  It read:

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Banchezno,

I am a philanthropist, and I am incredibly wealthy.  I know that you two have been trying to conceive, and have been too proud to actually try and adopt.  Yes, I have been spying on you; I hope that’s alright. I figured you were strong patriots of the patriot act so wouldn’t mind.

They both shrugged their shoulders, nodded their heads, and muttered “‘merica.”

Here I present to you a perfectly healthy baby for you to raise.  I’ve hacked into all the necessary databases, created a birth certificate, etc. to make it appear that for all intents and purposes you, Mrs. Banchezno, gave birth.  Lucky for you, you didn’t have to go through the actual process.  I’ve left the name field blank, as I felt it appropriate that you fill that in to your liking.  I myself was thinking that the name should be somewhat stately, like Quizna or Quartz or Quiznosquandry. At any rate, here you go. My non-descript servant Wilnren (not his real name, I wouldn’t even try Googling him) will show you out.  I’ve ensured that you two would be the only ones to be in the cupola while this happened.

Sincerely,

Please don’t ask who I am or how this happened.  It will only cause ‘problems’.

“Good day Sir, Madam” said a nondescript man who was perhaps just a foot from them.

“Hey, you that Wilbren feller?” queried Frito.

“Indeed sir.  I have a car waiting for you outside.  Shall we go now?”

It was presented more as a command, rather than a question. Being the obedient types, they followed.

“Ahem,” muttered Wilnren.

“What is it Wilbren?”

“Would the sir or misses care to bring the child along?”

“Oh shit son! Rita, we’re already terrible parents!  I feel like roasting myself over an open fire like a Venezuelan Chestnut.”

“Oh hush up now Frito, we’ve only been parents now for about 3 minutes.  Cut yourself some slack or you’ll have yourself another gol’ dern’ heart attack.”

“As they walked out they deliberated for a bit on names, until suddenly Frito came up with the perfect name.  He believed it was stately, and very patriotic. The name was “Forda.”

Growing up in the south was interesting for Forda. She learned Spanish, but also had developed a drawl that was unique to her family. When she was old enough, the Bancheznos decided that it was time to let her know the truth.

She was understandably a bit furious at first, but calmed down after a bit and told her parents that they were her real parents, and she didn’t need anyone else.  The Bancheznos were very relieved, though there was a part of Forda that couldn’t completely forget about what she had learned. She, perhaps unwittingly, decided to go into forensics, specializing in Forensic DNA Analysis. She later believed that it was her sub-conscious mind, which she believed to be much more curious than her conscious mind, that was the catalyst for the forensics degree.

Then her sub-conscious curiosity spilled over into her conscious mind like a drink being filled by someone who had just drank a substantial amount of whiskey. She became obsessed with finding out who her real parents were.

When she graduated from college, she decided that she would go to Morocco.  This was against her parent’s wishes, but they ultimately respected her decision.  She fell in love with and eventually married a Moroccon millionaire by the name of Tang Buckleback. They even had a few kids, and had her parents move to Morocco to live in Tang’s mansion, which was on the outskirts of Tangiers.

She became unhappy…..depressed. She knew that she had to find out, even if her biological parents were dead. One night she went to a bar.  Not being a heavy drinker, she started feeling very inebriated after a few shots of “The Tangier Tango,” which was a mixture of whiskey and orange flavored vodka, with a splash of Everclear.

She found herself alone with one other bar patron.  The other bar patron introduced herself as Sequoia Snushka. Sequoia had been listening to Forda ramble on about mundane things at first.  She was however such a good listener, that Forda continued on with the intimate details about her life, specifically the fact that she didn’t know who her biological parents were.

The whole time that Forda was talking, Sequoia was “MIMING,” which stands for Mind Instant Messaging with 42 headquarters. Sequoia was incredibly surprised at what she had learned. Forda, it turned out, was given to the Bancheznos that fateful day in Turkey by one of the original founders of the 42 organization, long before the foundation even existed.  Before being part of the 42 startup, he was a billionaire, one of the richest men in the world.  He owned Tell-Mallan, as well as a few other telecommunications companies in Guatemala.  He was known as an incredibly wealthy philanthropist, and went by the name of Carbos Salem.

After getting direction from 42 headquarters, she proceeded accordingly.  She told Forda that she could help her locate her biological parents, but that in order to do so, she would have to join a clandestine nefarious organization plotting to rule the world, and never see her family again.

It was morning at that time, and Forda was fairly sober. She had been “good” all her life, and felt that a change was needed, and so acquiesced. It was one of the most abrupt changes in personality ever witnessed at a Moroccan bar, so far as anyone could tell.

And so number 4 was brought into the fold, and was renamed Forda (Glocknein) Denturo Smezzlewick (aka Goose Muzzle).