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#12 – Dr. Herzenstubles Hoffenger the Flying Goatherder of North Farthing

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#12 – Dr. Herzenstubles Hoffenger the Flying Goatherder of North Farthing

Dr. Herzenstubles knew that he wanted to be a medical doctor ever since he learned how much money one could make.  He knew that he would never be selected to play in the NBA (due to a misplaced kneecap), and would most likely never be a famous actor (cameras made him ostensibly irritable, though it was most likely his never ending fear that there in the camera was another “himself” in another universe that happened to be inside the camera).  He considered the NFL, but determined that none of the colors suited his tastes.

Dr. Herzenstubles was born as Hoffenger Gothing Farthid, and was raised in a well to do, if not posh neighborhood in Beverly Hills.  His parents were origami instructors, and encouraged young Hoffenger to join the family business.  He knew that the only way his parents could afford the lavish lifestyle they were living was from an out of court settlement they had with a major tech. company.  Evidently, the tech. company had completely ripped off one of their patented designs or something, and basically shooed them away with hard cash so as to avoid yet another media sensation.  That’s what everyone said anyway.

What he really wanted to do was to make a lot of money, and practice daring surgeries, in order to gain fame, notoriety, and of course vast sums of money.  The problem, everyone around him thought, was that he really didn’t seem to care about his patients (when he actually became a doctor, though while working on corpses during medical school, some were a bit concerned at the zest with which he partook in carving….almost as if it was something delightful).

After years of practicing medicine and implementing his own daring and risky operations, he had gained some notoriety….for being an incredibly horrible doctor.  His operations rarely went well, and if they did, Dr. Herzenstubles almost seemed gloomy. This was because he was gloomy when this sort of thing happened.  He was of course barred from practicing medicine in the 50 states and most of the world, with the exception of Papua New Guinea.

So he moped. He sulked. He even cried a bit, which surprised him, until he noticed that he had rubbed onion juice all over his eyes.

“Wait” he thought.  “How the hell did I get onion juice in my eyes? I don’t eat onions, and I have no need for onion juice.  I didn’t even know that I knew what onion juice was.”

As these thoughts and others played around in his mind like a lacrosse team hopped up on mescaline, there appeared before him a blotchy shape.  The blotchy shape was itself blotchy because of the torrent of tears that for some reason continued to fall.  The blotchy shape spoke:  “We understand that you’ve lost your license to practice medicine..”

“Er, except for Papua New Guinea” interrupted Dr. Herzenstubles.

“Yes, whatever..” continued the blotchy shape.  “Look, we want to offer you a lot more cash, in exchange for…..certain jobs we would be assigning to you.”

“Oh..well, what kind of jobs blotchy?”

“What? My name is Harold.”

“Oh, sorry, I had already labeled you as blotchy.”

“Geesh” Harold muttered under his breath. “Look, you’re going to have to sneak up on people like I’ve just done with you, though you’re going to have to have to learn to be even more subtle, and plant ideas in the minds of movie producers, screenplay writers, musicians, and all that.”

“Why would I want to do that?”

“Because, you idiot, you’ll make a lot of money.  We need someone who doesn’t give a damn for humanity, and you’re the perfect fit…it’s almost scary.”

“Are you scared of me then?”

“You’re pretty damn stupid for a doctor.”

And so began the life of crime in the realm of the 42 for Dr. Herzenstuble (he never did let go of the title, as he stated that without it he felt much to ‘normal,’ almost like the rest of the world that were obviously inferior to him).

Dr. Herzenstubles is now wanted in all countries with the exception of Texas and Antarctica. If you see this extremely dangerous suspect, please report here immediately, for the benefit of the human race.